Back from Tibet or Gone Fishing - Your pick

My boy and me relaxing

I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, as the saying goes,and got lost for a while. By my count (and by looking at the actual post right below the one you are reading) the last post on this blog was Independence Day of last year. Don’t read anything into that, just a coincidence.

A lot has happened both in my life and outside of it since last we were together. My first novel, Death at the Downs, was honored by the Royal Palm Literary Awards. Some how they got it into their heads that my book was the best book in the published mystery category. Go figure. My son joined me in Florida to help me collect the hardware and that was fun. Gave us a reason to go to the fun parks they got down there. I’ve also been working on a sequel and that’s taken a lot of time.

Outside of my world it looks like the Dems' roosters have come home to roost. More on that and other stuff later.

That being said, as the very existence of this post will attest, I’ve decided to get back into the swing of things and it looks like I’ve got plenty to bitch talk about. Be easy on me for the fist few posts though. I know it's supposed be like riding a bike, but I never did like biking unless it was one of these...

That's me in the back!

Flash Fiction Time!

Occasionally I get the urge to write a bit of flash fiction. It's a quick and deceptive medium where a lot can be packed into a thousand words or less. The general premise behind it is that you take a photograph and write a story around it.

My favorite flash fiction writer is Sippican over at Sippican Cottage. He published a book with nothing but flash fiction last year called The Devil's in the Cows which is damn near perfect. It is a fascinating read if for nothing else than to marvel at his prose.

Any-hoo enough about him. Here is a bit of flash I wrote recently to limber up the old writing muscles as I attempt to finish my second novel. If you like it check out some of my traditional fiction at Amazon.com here and here.

Room 2A

How I got here, I don't rightly know. The steps taken in life's journey seem insubstantial at the time, but when you reflect…

I have a son, probably 15 or 16 by now. Can't remember his middle name. Ain't that something? I can't even remember my son's middle name. Something like Robert or Ray maybe. Not sure where he is now. His mother up and left 4 maybe 5 years ago. Thought about tracking her down, but what's the use? If someone don't want to be with you there ain't no changing their mind. 'Specially after so many years. I'd like to remember my son's middle name though, that'd be nice.

I got myself an appointment tomorrow down at the 5 and Dime on Main and Market. The manager's name is Carl. He'll let me treat him to lunch then brush me off like the last time. And the time before that come to think on it. I don't mind so much. Found if you don't take it personally it don't hurt so much. Still does though - sometimes.

I got a gal over Burlington way. She's not pretty, has a kid too but we don't talk much. Just there to scratch each other's itch, I reckon. Hardly ever spend the night. Just two souls with nothing better to do and no one better to do it with. Her name's Sal, short for Sally I think, not sure what her kid's name is.

Been on the road all my life. Selling brushes, detergent and other nonessentials out of the trunk of my old Buick, one town after another. There was a time when I thought all this had some meaning, a purpose, if you will, but the Road done beat that notion out of my head long ago.

I like selling stuff. Even stuff I don't particularly like. I'm good at it, or was when I cared, but that was a long time ago too.

I'm happy enough right now, though. I got a fresh pack of Luckies and heading out to that new bar I saw coming into town. It says 'new' on the sign but I know it's just like all the others. Filled with people just like me. Waiting - just waiting for something, but none of us knows for what. I'll sit with them, listen to their stories, offer a few of my own, none of us very interesting - but it helps - it helps to pass the time while we wait.

Maybe tomorrow I'll remember my kids name. That'd be nice, I think. Sometimes, I even hope he'll remember mine, but not often.

I’d like to thank the academy…

.. my producers and writers for this prestigious award..

Well folks I've hit the big time and all my hard work has paid off. Today I was honored with a tied for fifth place in the This Week's Watcher's Council (Non-Council Winner) competition for my recent blog U.S. Lagging Rwanda in Healthcare? 

Um, you'll have to scroll down a bit to find me but there I am. I was nominated by none other than my good friend and council member the Mellow Jihadi, a good American and you could do a lot worse than read his mil-blog daily.

And now for my acceptance speech: Well due to the fact that I could not attend the ceremony my good friend Sally Field will accept in my absence:


 

Ode to Slim

RIP Mr. Preston

Thomas 'Amarillo Slim' Preston Jr. died today at the age of 83. Many of you may not know who he was but in certain circles he was rather famous or actually infamous depending on your point of view.

In my younger days I actually knew the man quite well. I went to school with his son Todd and worked summers on his ranch near Clarendon, Texas.

I know there are a lot of stories of some of his more famous deeds, like beating Minnesota Fats in pool with a broom stick or hitting a golf ball a mile on a frozen lake. But I too have a story about Slim and this one incident is one of the acute things that happen in your life that in some small way becomes a part of you - part of your make up for the rest of your life.

For all the glamorous side of the man - Vegas the outlandish bets and what not - the showman if you will, there was another side to Mr. Preston. He loved the land. He loved getting up on a cold January morning - dragging me and Todd to go count cattle in the North-forty as it were. Now I don't know how many of my readers actually worked on a ranch but oddly enough it is not that enchanting. But for a 12-16 year old kid it was heaven.

Slim's ranch was literally five miles just beyond the middle of nowhere. Not a lot of amenities if you take my meaning. We sometimes camped just like in the movies, coffee out of a pot that was new sometime in the early 30's over a metal grate with embers glowing yellow below it. We did have Jerky but little else when it came to 'store bought' vittles. I mean way beyond cool.

Slim had a 30 ot 6 he kept in an saddle holster that he could whip out in a heartbeat and take down anything around. But mostly he just used the .22 caliber long rifle to get our daily requirement of meat (mostly rabbit). I remember the look in his eye every time he took the .22 out; steal gray eyes never wavering from his prey. His hand mechanically doing everything while his eyes zeroed in on his target damn scary to witness. I am sure he missed a few times in his life but never in my presence.

I once asked him why he didn't use the 30 ot 6. He shook his head and said, "Son, there'd be nothing left to eat." That was Slim in a single sentence. Pragmatic, concise and to the point. I loved him for that.

***

Mae West was her name; she was a beautiful animal, dirty white and stood about 16 and a half hands high, fairly tall for a mare. She was 7 I was 12 and this was the first time I'd every been on a horse other than the pony round-about at the county fair.

Mae was what they call a cutting horse. She was trained to cut individual cows out of a herd for branding. She was a precision instrument when it came to responding to her rider - assuming that rider knew what the hell he was doing - which of course I did not. Needless to say when our eyes met across the corral I could tell I was in trouble deep and by god she knew it.

Slim was on his pride and joy. A beautiful 18 hand tall Palomino called Probation, or Pro for short. To say this animal was mean would be like saying that Pol Pot just had some mild anger issues. If Slim told Pro to bite me damned it that animal wouldn't throw his head around and take a nip at me.

Well the mission for the day was to go about 5 miles into the northeast corner to find a cow who'd thought it prudent to wander off to have her calf. It was early, cold and just about as miserable a day as you could imagine. In other words for a 12 year old out of his parents care for the first time - it was freaking perfect.

Slim had saddled Mae and Todd's horse Soxy (which by the way was remarkably tame compared to the beast Mae) and simply turned to us and said, "You boys said you want to learn some ranching, lets saddle up and get a move one." With that mounted Pro and started for the gate with out another word.

I looked at Mae with something bordering on panic then at Todd who nodded and threw himself on Soxy. I tentatively took Mae's reigns and did the same. Once on top of the animal she ambled amicably toward the gate following Pro.

"Well this is pretty damn easy," I said, "You're just a big old softy at heart aren't you Mae?" Well oddly enough that's when I thought I would most certainly die. You see with a cutting horse you have to be rather judicious with the reigns. If you loosen them on one side the horse thinks it's time to go a-cutting!

Well being new at the game I inadvertently did just that and off we go. Mae went from a walk into a full throated cantor. For my part being as seasoned as a clever garden snail I dropped the other reign and grabbed the horn and simply held on for dear life. Now I am sure there was some yelling and whining to go along with the festivities but honestly all I remember is the fact that I was on a 1700 pound animal of which I had absolutely no control over.

Time had no meaning at this point. I could have been on this ride from hell for 30 seconds or 2 hours but I do remember at one point seeing Probation literally flying up on my right out of the corner of my eye, cutting off Mae's flight to regions unknown and forcing her into a temporary fence.

We were traveling so fast that Mae literally climbed the fence with her front legs subsequently throwing me from her. I hit with a resounding thud that hurt like hell by the way. I pushed myself up instantly, not wanting to be trampled by Mae's stomping around, and burst into a run back to the truck. Game over in other words.

I hadn't made it ten feet when I heard Slim say in a voice I'd never heard him use before. "Son, get back on that horse." That' all he said. There was no discussion no pleading my case. I turned looked into his pale unblinking grey eyes, and I understood him completely at that point. I took Mae's reigns without a word mounted her and rode for the next 6 hours without incident.

I know it may not seem like a pinnacle moment to some. It's not like Moses parting the Red Sea or anything. But for me, Slim ordering me to get back on the fearsome beast meant more than anything. What if I hadn't? What if through my entire life I took the easy way out and simply gone to the truck and waited. Would I be who I am today? I choose to believe I wouldn't and for that you have my sincere thanks Mr. Preston for I am a better person to have known you.

Rest in peace my friend and thank you sir.

Thank You Levon

Levon Helm (1940 -- 2012):



RIP

I'll Have Some Cyanide - Shaken not Stirred?

From The Daily mail:

Thanks to a major new marketing deal, the character (James Bond), played by Daniel Craig, will be seen reaching for a [freaking] Heineken in upcoming film Skyfall.

Excuse me; I will now be in the bathroom slitting my wrists.

Thank you

Early morning thank yous to Ace of Spades for picking up my Blog The Hero and the Fluke in the Overnight Open Thread. Also to Jeremy Michaels for re-posting it on The Australian Tea Party (currently down). And finally to Brian G. on Linkiest.

Exciting news! I will be in my backyard this weekend where I will be signing any Kindle reader I find with  my new book Death at the Downs on it. You can 't miss me. I'll be right next to my daughter's lemonade stand ($0.25 US. What a steal!). Anyway, if I'm not around when you get there, just wait a bit. I'll be right back after I shoveling snow off the driveway. So just sit back and enjoy a glass of store bought lemonade while you wait! If you can't make it to Louisville, or you don't want me defacing your Kindle, you can always go to Amazon and buy it there.

Shameless! Shameless! Shameless! BAD Derek BAD, BAD BAD. Anybody got a wet newspaper?

Exciting news! I will be in my backyard this weekend where I will be signing any Kindle reader I find with  my new book Death at the Downs on it. You can 't miss me. I'll be right next to my daughter's lemonade stand ($0.25 US. What a steal!). Anyway, if I'm not around when you get there, just wait a bit. I'll be right back after I shoveling snow off the driveway. So just sit back and enjoy a glass of store bought lemonade while you wait! If you can't make it to Louisville, or you don't want me defacing your Kindle, you can always go to Amazon and buy it there.

Shameless! Shameless! Shameless! BAD Derek BAD, BAD BAD. Anybody got a wet newspaper?

Happy Valentine’s Day

The following is an excerpt from fellow (and much smarter) blogger associate of mine Sippican Cottage:

I remember when I was lying on the bed like a dead thing, and you came into the room and thought I was asleep. I wasn't asleep; I was gone from sight, and sound, and lost in a fever. I lay there in a puddle of sweat and more; my very life coming out of every pore, leaving nothing but a husk where a man used to be. And you kissed me. I remember.

Read it all here and take a look at his book of flash fiction. The guy is a genius.

Happy Valentine’s Day Heather!

Thank you Brian, John and NavyOne

Being new to the blogging thing I have no idea what the hell I am doing. That being said, there are some very clever folks out there that do know. Today this blog has the honor of being included on John Hawkins's site Linkiest. Please visit this site daily you will not regret it. Together, John and Brian Garst pursue the webbernets for some of the best posts of the day so that you don't have to. Additionally, I would like to give a shout out to the Mellow Jihadi for his guidance and support as well - thank you all.

Clarity is a beautiful thing

I had dinner last night with a friend whose opinion I respect when it comes to both politics and the economy. We took our children to the local pizza parlor and as we are wont to do, we discussed Obama and his disastrous affect on the business community. Matt, my friend, is very close to the power brokers who decide what money goes where in large corporations and, more importantly, if the money goes anywhere at all. I made the comment "this uncertainty has everybody holding back." And then, Matt said - "Derek, it is not uncertainty, but rather certainty that is holding corporations back from investing in America."

Do you see the difference? My comment simply parroted the media's version of events over the last 30 months, suggesting that corporate leaders do not understand what is going on in the market. While Matt's statement - that corporate leaders are certain of what this administration is capable of and executing in the market - is the reason that has over $2 trillion dollars sitting on the sidelines.

The difference in real terms is that as long as Obama is in the White house there is nothing he can do at this point that will ever satisfy the decision makers. And the long and short of it is that these folks will look elsewhere to invest the corporate assets and that will undoubtedly be somewhere beyond the American borders.

I always love getting together with Matt. He has a singular way of putting things that clarifies my thinking.

Book Signing

Exciting news! I will be in my backyard this weekend where I will be signing any Kindle reader I find with  my new book Death at the Downs on it. You can 't miss me. I'll be right next to my daughter's lemonade stand ($0.25 US. What a steal!). Anyway, if I'm not around when you get there, just wait a bit. I'll be right back after I finish mowing the lawn and cleaning out the gutters. So just sit back and enjoy a glass of store bought lemonade while you wait! If you can't make it to Louisville, or you don't want me defacing your Kindle, you can always go to Amazon and buy it there.

Shameless! Shameless! Shameless! BAD Derek BAD, BAD BAD. Anybody got a wet newspaper?

Nancey Drew is in the HOUSE!

This story makes me so happy I will probably pee in my pants before I get through this blog. Jessica Maple, a 12 year old amateur sleuth solved a burglary case before the police. This from ABC News:

A 12-year-old amateur sleuth beat police at their own game by cracking the case of who ransacked her late great-grandmother's home last month.

Jessica Maple honed her detective skills at a Junior District Attorney camp in Atlanta this summer, sponsored by the Fulton County DA's office.

Hell and Yes! Not satisfied with the progress of the case, Miss Maple (not to be confused with Ms. Marple, although I can understand the confusion), decided to conduct her own investigation and actually solved the case!

After eliminating the possibility of an 'inside job', she looked at surrounding pawn shops for the stolen goods:

"They weren't thinking," she said of the robbers. "They put everything in the same shop!

The pawn shop manager told Jessica he knew one of the guys well because he frequently brought in items. He even had copies of both mens' picture identifications.

Okay, at this point you turn it over to the authority's right? Nope, this remarkable hero went and confronted the suspect!

The gutsy, crime-fighting pre-teen, accompanied by her mother, then went to one robber's home and confronted him.

"We went up to him and I asked him why he did it," Jessica said. "At first he denied it, but then he confessed." 

Are you kidding me? This wonderful young lady has more chutzpa than anybody I know. Not only does she solve the crime, she has the stones to actually get a confession from the perp. Well done Miss. Maple, well done indeed!

I have to change my underwear now because I just wet myself, excuse me.


 

 
    

Father of the year award is in the mail!

Alright, this is a true story, but it made me laugh. Here in Louisville last weekend, we had a huge storm rip through here and knocked the power out at the house. I am in the middle of remodeling the house so there are various appliances that are not exactly up to date. For example the gas oven/stove, circa 1974. Now, I don't know if you know this but even if the electricity is out the gas is still available. However, the stove has an electric start to ignite required to light it. Well, father of the year that I am, I decided to light the stove manually. So, being the clever guy that I am, I turned the gas on and opened the broiler drawer below the stove, and prepared to start the oven manually so I could feed my children.

At this point I heard my 9 year old daughter say from somewhere directly behind me say, "Daddy, should I be standing here?"

I turned to find her literally standing right behind me. Fire in hand and the gas on and said in my most calm voice, "Um, probably not."

To her credit, she bolted upstairs and told my son, "I think we are about to die!"

I ask you, where is the love?

Well, after the firemen left and I secured a hotel room for the week, we all had a big laugh about it.

Just kidding, I fed my children and had them in bed by 9!

Fiction Time

(Editors note: Occasionally the blogger will feel it necessary to burden his readers with his muses)

The Easter Cake Caper

Late one winter evening I was called to the scene of one of the most baffling and heinous crimes of my career. It would seem that some person or persons of unknown origins had perpetrated what many believed to be the perfect crime.

I arrived at the home of Mrs. Mary Bakesalot at half past seven. It was already dark and the sky threatened snow. The officer in charge, Officer Idontknowalot, greeted me in the entrance hall and waved me into the kitchen.

At first glance I could find nothing amiss, that is until I came around the island in the center of the kitchen and to my horror found what remained of what was once a remarkable work of baking art. Gathering myself, I asked Officer Idontknowalot if forensics had finished dusting for prints and photographed the crime scene. He assured me that they had just left and told me I could proceed with my investigation.

The grizzly remains made my stomach turn, but I fought the wave of nausea and reluctantly stepped over the crime scene tape to take a better look.

 

It was clear that the perpetrator held little regard for ceremony. The cake was mauled almost beyond recognition. I could see that the decorative icing that adorned the edges had been painstakingly applied with care and love. However, the center of the delectable dessert showed where someone had literally dived in face first. The imprint of the perpetrator's face was unmistakable.

I stepped back to take in the crime scene and noticed a chair off to the side just outside the yellow police tape.

"Was that there when you arrived on the scene?" I asked Officer Idontknowalot.

"Yessir, nothing's been moved or touched," he assured me.


 

 
Taking a closer look I noticed frosted crumbs on the seat matching that of the departed cake. Hum, I thought, then out loud I said, "that is interesting".

"What's that sir?"

"Nothing officer," I said without looking at him, "where are the family members?"

"This way, sir," he said pointing to a doorway off the kitchen. I followed him looking back at the crime scene and wondered who could have committed such an atrocity.

* * *

Yep in the Big Time now!

Well now waddaya know! I'd like to draw your attention to the counter at the bottom of the page. That's right folks the big 100! (thanks mom, you too uncle Zed and cousin Cletus, although I'm not sure Zed or Cletus can actually read). Yep, guess the advertisers will be beating down the door now!... yepper any time now… yep anytime…zzzzzz.

Book Signing

Exciting news! I will be in my backyard this weekend where I will be signing any Kindle reader I find with  my new book Death at the Downs on it. You can 't miss me. I'll be right next to my daughter's lemonade stand ($0.25 US. What a steal!). Anyway, if I'm not around when you get there, just wait a bit. I'll be right back after I finish mowing the lawn and cleaning out the gutters. So just sit back and enjoy a glass of store bought lemonade while you wait! If you can't make it to Louisville, or you don't want me defacing your Kindle, you can always go to Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0058JHSAI) and buy it there.

Shameless! Shameless! Shameless! BAD Derek BAD, BAD BAD. Anybody got a wet newspaper?

About Me..

I generally write something every day, I'll not pretend that it's always good, but sometimes it's not bad. I have just published my first book on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0058JHSAI) and would appreciate it if you would take a look at it (it's a steal at only 99 cents). Frankly I'd give it away if I could, but after talking it over with my creditors we mutually decided that I should charge something.
I guess I should say something about me, although I can't imagine why anyone would care, but my agent says that it's the "right and proper" thing to do, so here it goes.
I spent most of my life determining exactly what I didn't want to do for the rest of my life. Some would say that's a waste of time, but I like to think I learned a lot when I moved on if I wasn't happy. Examples include taking a job as a cowhand at ranches in both Texas and Wyoming. I've also worked on underground nuclear missiles aimed at the Soviet Union for a few years. Strange bed fellows, I know, but it gave me stuff to talk about at job interviews besides the job I'd be doing. Anyway, along the way I got a bunch of college degrees that helped me get a job - traveled the world doing that job, and learned a bit more along the way. Even found out some more stuff I didn't want to do for the rest of my life. I'll probably get there in the end, but honestly, I hope not.